Hogwarts Horoscopes
by I'm.The.Tin.Dog
Summary: The Weasley/Potter family finds a horoscope column in the Hogwarts school newspaper and it's scarily accurate.  Some slight rose/scorp.  A song-fic oneshot.


**A very, very random idea that bounced into my head after I watched Weird Al's Horoscope For Today song on YouTube. You must watch it, it's so funny! My sister and I decided to match up the song to the horoscopes of the next generation.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, that would be JKR and I do not own the song Horoscope for Today, that's Weird Al's song. **

"James! Hey James wait up!" James turned around as his little brother Al and Al's best friend, Scorpius Malfoy ran over to him with the Hogwarts newspaper in hand. James raised an eyebrow at the two Slytherins. Fred, who was walking right next to him stopped as well to hear what the two of them were obviously so excited about.

"What's up, Al?" James asked. Al's green eyes shone with anticipation as he unfurled the rolled up newspaper.

"I heard from Vanessa Longbottom that there's a hilarious horoscope section in this month's paper. She writes the Quidditch column, you know."

"Have you read it yet?" Fred inquired with a glint of humor present in his eyes.

"Not yet," Scorpius interjected. "We're gonna test it on you two first."

"Okay, tell me mine first!" Fred said, shoving James out of the way. Al flipped expertly to page seven and scanned the page.

"When's your birthday?" Scorpius asked Fred. Fred was about to reply when Al looked at Scorpius exasperatedly.

"Mate, we don't need to ask him when his birthday is. I'm his cousin, so I already know." Scorpius looked down at his expensive dragon leather shoes in embarrassment.

"Oh, right."

"Fred…" Al began before trailing off. A few seconds later he burst into hysterics. The rest of the guys looked at him in curiosity.

"Have fun on your trip!" He managed to spit out before his laughter consumed him again. Fred immediately yanked the newspaper out of Al's hand.

"Travel in your future…when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus! Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole seventeen hours a day! What is this crap?" Fred screamed. James and Scorpius shared a brief glance at each other before they too both erupted with laughter. James could be heard through his laughter saying something about Fred's glove getting stuck to Ben Herman's broom during Quidditch last week's Quidditch. Fred's ears went red at that.

"Oh yeah, well if you think mine's so funny, let's just read Al's!" That sobered Al up immediately.

"What's it say?" Al asked Fred nervously. Fred read Al's before shoving the newspaper back at the green eyed Slytherin.

"Yours is stupid," He declared. Al's eyes scanned over the paper.

"It says that I, a Pisces, should try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the…e boo la virus," Al ruffled his hair in confusion. "What's that?" James shrugged.

"Just keep reading." Al obliged.

"You are the true lord of the dance, no matter what those idiots at work say." Al's face lit up all of the sudden. "Ha! Now I know that you were just jealous when you made fun of my dancing at the last Room of Requirement party! Take that!" James and Fred looked at Al like his was a moron. Finally James asked,

"What's mine say?" Since Al was still gloating about being a "fabulous dance" Scorpius plucked the paper out of his friend's hand and read the Aries horoscope that James was pointing to.

"The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon." At the mention of that, James hand unconsciously rubbed his colon. "Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep." Scorpius folded up the newspaper. "Thank Merlin I'm tall, because if I was the albino they were talking about, I'd probably have to kill you."

"Finally owning up to your freakishly pale skin, eh mate?" Al asked. Scorpius just rolled his eyes as he handed the newspaper back to Al.

"You know what," James was muttering to Fred. "There's definitely a girl named Meryl Streep in our year. Didn't I get together with her during one of the Quidditch matches last year? Oh my God how would this newspaper know that?" Scorpius, having some knowledge of the muggle world (mostly because of Al and Muggle Studies) vaguely remembered that Meryl Streep was a muggle celebrity.

"Come on, we have to finish packing for the Burrow." Scorpius reminded Al. Christmas break was tomorrow and ever since his second year he had gone to the Burrow with the Weasley's for Christmas. This was going to be his fifth Christmas with them, as both he and Al were sixth years now, along with Al's favorite cousin, Rose.

_Aquarius  
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus  
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day_

Pisces  
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus  
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries  
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon  
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

…

Four days later and the four boys were seriously beginning to question the idea that all horoscopes were crap. James had, similar to the prediction, accidently swallowed a watermelon seed that Lucy had been using for one of her potions. He was rushed to St. Mungos immediately for magical removal. Al had suffered a similar fate. While he did not contract the Ebola virus, did get a nasty fever that also required him to be brought to the hospital. With both Potter boys in St Mungos, Fred had become bored and dug up an old whack-a-mole machine to keep him occupied while he waited for his best mate to return.

When the two boys came back to the Burrow two days later (much to the relief of Rose who had been teased by Scorpius mercilessly for the past two days) they insisted that the Hogwarts newspaper be given to them. James read the next sign on the page.

"Who here's a Taurus?" He muttered to himself. Then his eyes lit up.

"Vic!" He called. His part veela cousin turned towards him.

"Yes, James?"

"Do you want to hear your horoscope?" Vic shrugged, so James started to read.

"Taurus: You will never find true happiness. Whatcha gonna do cry about it? Ha!" James laughed, and then he noticed the angry glare that Vic was shooting him and he went back to reading. "The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep." He finished hurriedly. Dominique was smirking at her sister's ill fortune.

"James Potter you are an unbelievable idiot! My life is wonderful! I'm perfect, how could I not be happy!" All of the cousins rolled their eyes at Victoire's conceit. She settled herself back down on the couch and continued to read some French magazine for witches, muttering all the while about her "moronic family". Teddy smiled forcibly. Trying to break the tension that his fiancé had created.

"Say James, why don't you read mine? Gemini." Victoire glared at him before flipping her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Alright. Your birthday party will be ruined…crap," Teddy's birthday was tomorrow. "Teddy, maybe I shouldn't finish it. I mean, these are pretty legit and I wouldn't want to jinx your party or anything." Teddy just waved James' worries away.

"Don't worry about it, just finish the horoscope." James obliged.

"Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest." James looked at what he had just read in horror while all the "non-believers" laughed. Surprisingly, Teddy wasn't laughing anymore and Victoire was starring horrorstruck at the newspaper.

"What on Earth gave you that ridiculous idea?" Victoire shouted. The laughing cousins all starred at her.

"You didn't, you know, hurl a javelin at him, did you, Vic?" Roxanne joked.

"Not a javelin," Teddy mumbled almost inaudibly.

"I thought we weren't going to mention the fight, Teddy!" Vic whisper shouted.

"Well you're the one who started it by trying to stun me when I spilled coffee on your stupid wedding dress." Instead of fighting back, Vic went with her usual approach and fled the room in tears. Teddy sighed and chased after her. The rest of the cousins sat in silence for a while before Fred decided that it was time to break the tension.

"So, Cancer's next. Molly, you're up. The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duck tape up your nose while taking your driver's test." Lucy peered over at the newspaper in curiosity and wonder.

"Molls, don't you have your muggle driver's test tomorrow?" Lucy asked her older sister. Molly turned bright red.

"Yes, but it's just a stupid horoscope. It doesn't mean anything." James, Fred, Al and Scorpius looked at each other meaningfully, knowing that Molly would have an interesting story to tell tomorrow.

Let's get one more in before dinner. Hugo, you might want to listen. We're at Leo," Al called out. Rose finally came over to the group, interested in her little brother's fortune. Scorpius smirked at her and she narrowed her eyes in response.

"Can't wait to see what your horoscope says Weasley. Bet it'll say something like your horrible hair is gonna cause someone to shave your head while you're sleeping!"

"Not bad Malfoy, for you, at least." Scorpius scowled at her.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I thought my message was obvious. It means that you have a very undeveloped sense of humor, how thick can you get?"

"Now, now Rose. Play nice," Al interjected, trying to prevent his friends from murdering each other. He also handed the newspaper to Rose so she could read Hugo's horoscope.

"Thanks Al. For Leo it says that now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss' face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry quick." Rose looked quizzically at her brother, who looked highly uncomfortable.

"Now, I understand the tuna pudding and strawberries. That was your dare from last night's truth of dare game. But were you planning on photocopying your butt? You don't even have a boss." Rose said, very confused for such a smart witch.

"Well I was gonna pull a prank on Robinson, you know the potions teacher. I was gonna post pictures of my…you know all over the room. But he wouldn't know they were mine." His face took on a dreamy quality. "It would have been sooo funny!" Fred and James were listening to the younger boy's prank with admiration.

"Not bad Hugo," James told him. Hugo sighed.

"Yeah, it would have been great. But I guess I can't do it anymore."

"Why not, it's just a stupid horoscope." Molly interrupted, still thinking that the horoscopes were ridiculous.

"Kids, it's time for dinner. Put the paper away and come set the table," Aunt Hermione called. Rose folded up the newspaper and put it in her jeans pocket for tomorrow. They could ask Molly about her test at the same time.

_Taurus  
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep_

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini  
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence  
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer  
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud  
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo  
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no  
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick

…_..._

Just as the "believers" thought, Molly had a very interesting experience with the duck tape indeed. She hadn't past, but had demanded a retry the following week. Now nearly every cousin had no doubts about the validity of the "mystic" horoscopes.

"So does anyone know who actually wrote the horoscope column? Al, did Vanessa mention it?" Rose asked her cousin. Al merely shook his head, anxious to get back to the horoscopes.

"Right," Rose said and then picked back up at Virgo, a sign shared by three of her cousins; Roxy, Louis and Lucy. She skimmed it over before reading it out loud.

"Fair warning you three," Rose told them before continuing. "All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent," as Rose read that line, the three Virgos exchanged smug grins. Then Rose finished her sentence. "Except for you," the three smiles vanished. "Expect a big surprise today, when you find your head impaled upon a stick," Rose finished grimly.

"Hopefully it's just an over exaggeration," Scorpius said a hint of a joke in his eyes. This earned him yet another glare from Rose.

"Of course it will be. The others haven't all exactly come true. There's nothing to worry about. The suddenly oodles of wand sized sticks started to fall from the ceiling right over the heads of Roxy, Lucy and Louis. The three cousins screamed and ducked for cover while the others burst into hysterical, uncontrollable laughter. Then they heard another laugh coming from the stairs. Their Uncle George's head appeared. His arms full of sticks.

"Sorry kids, but I saw your newspaper and I couldn't resist pulling one prank on you three. Just, don't tell your parents, alright kids?" The cousins all laughed and Rose made a motion of zipping her lips and throwing away the key. Scorpius saw this.

"Thank Merlin, a world without Weasley blabbing every other second. I knew if I wished for it enough times it would eventually come true."

"Shut up, Malfoy." Scorpius sighed.

"I knew it was too good to last."

"Moving on," Rose declared. "Libra," Dom's head perked up, eager to hear her horoscope. "A big promotion is just around the corner," Rose paused for a second.

"Rose, I know it's gonna turn out bad, just finish it. I just hope it's not too bad. Ms. Anderson was considering me for writing the next cover article for Witch Weekly." Dom told her.

"Okay, a big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you,"

"Shoot, there goes my cover story," Dom said a little sadly, but she was a very easygoing girl, such a contrast from her uptight older sister.

"There's still more," Rose told her. "Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week." Dom looked shocked.

"But…my abdomen has been hurting? I don't want surgery!" So much for calm.

"Scorpius," Rose said sourly. "You're up next. Scorpio: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window," Rose's smile was beginning to resemble the Cheshire cat's. "Too bad that already happened, eh Scorp. You falling off your broom during our Quidditch game was just hilarious."

"Shut up Weasley, we'll see who's laughing when we read your horoscope."

"Hang on Malfoy, there's more. Work a little harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak!" Scorpius glared at her, looking a little…hurt?

"You take that back Weasley! I bet that's not even written in there. You probably made that up."

"Are you accusing me of lying, Scorpius? If you don't believe me, look for yourself!" She thrust the newspaper at him in frustration. "And you can read too from now on!"

"Fine, I will!" Scorpius shouted, he took up the newspaper and started to read Lily's.

"Sagittarius, all your friends are laughing at you behind your back…kill them. Take down all those picture of Ernest Borgnine that you've got hanging in your den!" By the end of this everyone was laughing until their abs hurt. Except Lily. She was just sitting there in a silent rage, quivering slightly.

"Uhhh, sorry Lily," Scorpius said nervously. "I'm sure that you don't have any naked pictures in your room. Lily's face turned beet red and she ran out of the room. Scorpius turned to Al curiously.

"She does, doesn't she?" Al nodded and the two began rolling on the floor.

"That was really rude, Scorpius. She actually is going through a fight with her friends and you laughed at her after her horoscope said to kill them! You're such a jerk."

"Oh, shut it, Weasley. I don't want to listen to your whiney voice anymore. Maybe your horoscope will enlighten you to the reason why you're sixteen and you've never had a boyfriend." Rose looked like she was about to cry for a second, but Scorpius figured that he must've been imagining it because the next minute she was looking away stonily. Scorpius cleared his throat before reading the last horoscope, Rose's. He was almost afraid to read it, he didn't want to hurt her more than her already had.

"Capricorn," Scorpius began in a quiet voice. "The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying," at that Scorpius couldn't help smirking and chortling at this. Figuring that Rose had at least a good enough sense of humor that she would laugh too, Scorpius thought that chuckling a little wouldn't be a huge deal. Turned out it was, Rose's brown eyes bored into Scorpius' with pure rage. Scorpius smiled nervously before he finished the fortune.

"If I were you -which I'm so glad I'm not, Weasley- I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again. Well Weasley, out of all of us they definitely got you pegged the best. You're not exciting or wonderful and you'd be doing us a favor if you became a recluse." Rose tried glaring at him, but a single tear sneaked its way out of her eye just as a strangled sob slipped out of her throat and she, like Lily and Vic before her, rushed out of the room. Scorpius looked over at Al nervously. Al was full on glaring at him, not fake angry, real anger.

"Look, Al…" But Al didn't want to hear Scorpius' excuse.

"Save it Scorpius, you better apologize or the rest of your break is not going to be very pleasant. Look, mate, you have to stop insulting her. It really hurts her and I'm sick of it! Go apologize Scorpius, now. I mean it too." Scorpius sighed and slowly trudged off in the direction of Rose's room.

"Rose, uhh it's me, Scorpius. Can I come in?" Scorpius asked hesitantly. Rose responded by throwing a book at the door, or at least it sounded by a book.

"Go away!" She yelled.

"Look, Rose, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry…and before you interrupt, I really mean it this time. I'm sorry that I insult your hair, sorry that I made fun of your horoscope and I'm really, really sorry that I make your life so horrible. I know you're not going to believe me, but I wish that you didn't hate me so much, because I don't hate you, Rose. I…I even wish that we could be friends, because you're really cool, but I guess that we've just fought for so long that I didn't know how to change things." He paused for a second, thinking over what he had just said. "Crap, that sounded really corny, but it's true, Rose. Every word of it is." The door opened very slowly.

"Do you really mean it?" Rose asked, her voice no longer choked with tears.

Scorpius nodded. Rose smiled up at him, her smile a little too bright for someone who had been crying only a few minutes ago.

"Rose, are you okay?" Scorpius asked with concern.

"Fine, I'm absolutely fine. I'm just surprised. I never knew that my funny little horoscope column would have this big of an impact on people."

"Yeah, it is pretty funny what a few horos-" Scorpius stopped short. "Wait, what did you say? You're column?"

"That's right," Rose grinned smiling. "I wrote it, based on observations of my own family, ironically enough. It was meant just for laughs, but I guess it was a tad more successful than I thought it would be." She told him, the enormous smile still in place on her pretty face.

"But...but, guys!" He called. Rose let out a laugh and ran down the hallway, away from the stampede of semi-angry family members that were bound to be chasing after her in any minute.

_Virgo  
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you  
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick_

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely  
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have  
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,  
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions  
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have  
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra  
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio  
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window  
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius  
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)  
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying  
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)  
That's your horoscope for today  
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)  
That's your horoscope for today

**So, did you like it?** **I hope it made you laugh. I personally am I cancer, so I'm spending my week face down in the mud…fun. Please review!**


End file.
